So, I suppose I'm back, forcing myself to update this save file, even though there isn't much to say. Time is just going really slowly right now, as things begin to change. I think it's the same way, how when there's a big change coming in your life, you find yourself experiencing a slowed experience. The big change on the horizon is the advent of Spring, the coming to life that fills me with energy. I've gone jogging every day this week and have been feeling really good about it. Except yesterday, it rained on me and was just overall miserable. But I'll probably be going today, and it's supposed to be nice out, so there's that.

I don't really have any plans this weekend. Friday is my big focus, as I have to write an adventure that will take up two hours. I'd prefer Raff to run it, but he doesn't know where anything is, so I guess I'm doing it. I wanna do a big combat sequence. That should be fun. I need to actually create the character I'm using first.

After that, Saturday is a big event for my friend's wife, a baby shower. I haven't been to one of those since I was a little kid, but it does seem kind of odd to have a baby shower with the father's buddies. Like, shouldn't there be a guy's shower? Take the soon to be dad out for some beers and bbq? I think it hasn't really registered that I'm going to be an 'uncle' but they're already calling me that. I also wonder who the godfather is going to be, if anyone. Or Godmother. I don't know if they're doing that.

That being said, I've been a remote distant uncle for Matt's kid. 'Crazy uncle Petey' they call me. And I'm fine with that. I like being that crazy uncle Petey that sends snapchat rants to their kid on science and stuff. Whenever he sees me in person, he looks confused, like hey, why isn't that guy on a screen.

I'd be cool having a digital persona. Like, not having a body, just a digital form, and being able to send pure information. People say, but wait, what about the cool parts of having a body. I say fuck em, I can simulate them. I don't see anything lost there. I've already gone down the solipsist arguments pretty deeply, the Cartesian lunacy and clarity that states that I can be a separate entity entirely fed pure data. Why not be a pure mind, and be able to set the terms of my engagement?

Like, I can already pull up my experience with my computer that I am constantly tied to. I spend most of my time sitting here, in this chair, at my computer. Hell, I spend too much time sitting as it is, but that's kind of an American thing. I've been pondering taking more breaks, but that's what the spring is all about. Doing outdoorsy work. Walking. Wandering. Exploring. Being happy, free, sunburnt, and engaged in the world.

And that new life is coming, and I've been feeling really good about it. It's like the SAD is beginning to melt, this horrible ice age I threw myself into as there was nothing meeting my needs, nothing satisfying me. But now, there's access to all that. So even though I'm really dysmally depressed about the state of things in our country and how it's literally turning into scary plutocratic fascism, I feel decent overall. I can confront those things without wanting to stay in bed all day. I mean, I do tend to stay in bed a lot, as I wfh and can just put my laptop next to me and work from bed, but that's different. Very often there's the cat involved, and him wanting cuddles is just such a treat. A good way to start the day- cradling a purring cat that wants nothing more than to just be held by you and make a happy rumbling.

I need to work on my diet, too. Drink fewer beers. Eat more veggies. I already eat a ton of fruit, but I'm not a big fan of veggies. Less processed meat would be good too. And increase my running distance. I'm going to try to get a 5 mile run in Saturday, and that'll be good for my body, a reminder of what's to come, a reminder of what I'm capable of. A reminder of what I was made to do, to run, to jog, to enjoy the outdoors in a pair of gym shorts and a ratty t-shirt, my face flushed and sweaty, my heart pumping, my brain on fire from all the oxygen it's getting.

I can't wait for that freedom, that weight loss, that exercise, that feeling of pride in my body- that hey, yes, I can run 10 miles. Running a half marathon for fun. I miss doing that, the waterfront jogs that would amount to probably 14 miles in all, 14 miles of zen thoughts and beauty, of people watching and dogs. God. That can't come soon enough, as good weather unlocks everything I love about my life and my house. I spend a lot of time shoveling stuff for the garden. Walking down to the park to photograph bugs. Running down to the waterfront. Grilling in the backyard with a cold beer and a plate full of brats and kebabs. Pure. Heaven.

Spring, come soon. I need you. You are how I become a healthy, happy person.

Germboy, out/Peace.


Aging. It happens inevitably. I turned 32, had a party, had some beers, played some games, watched some movies, and experienced friends. Blah. The days turn sunny after my party, but the weather is still cold, so the will to obtain vitamin D is stunted by the chilling wind, inviting distress and shivering, even in my own house- the room by room heating system I use is cost effective, but makes it very hard to get out of bed, especially with a sweet cat who is purring lovingly before squishing my face.

I devour social media, and it drives me into lunacy. Panic, fear, and desolation are the reactions of a madman in office, and breaking my own rule, I drank beer last night- I don't drink on Tuesdays, but I needed to not be panicking. I'm finding that I'm breaking a lot of self care rules as fear of an autocracy spreads. I try to think about the positive side, but it's at least four years away, and we currently are going to a very dark place.

I don't have much to think about or write currently. I stayed up very late last night working on a wiki, just plowing through it. I was fixated on working, having some escapism. It was a last ditch form of self care that isn't sustainable, as I'm currently quite tired, but I needed it, I think.

This madman is not good for me. The state of the country, a Muslim ban, selling of national lands, the flat out take over of the government, is bad. But I can't really look away, to do so would be treasonous to my own standards- if a fascist oligarch should rise to power, I am to resist. But resistance is exhausting.

I constantly think about what things would be like under Hillary. Boring. Quiet. Nobody would be paying attention, or at least nobody that mattered. Things would plug on, and I wouldn't be anticipating disaster every morning. I miss that reality, as that reality's Peter would probably be a lot happier and not full of loathing and despair.

But that is the reality we live in. A new fascist society. One that demands escapism constantly to avoid looking at the burning evil in our midsts, one we have enabled, and one that will ruin our country.

I have a Muslim friend. She's a CS student, and is just... A normal person. She likes selfies, food, going out for dancing, and writing emo poetry about how nobody understands her. I met her at linuxfest, and she kind of joined us during a bar crawl, and went so far as to keep texting me to make sure I got home okay. I don't think she can come into the states again, despite her wanting an internship here. It's... Really stupid. And I don't know what to say to her. She doesn't hate me, but god, I think the rest of the world absolutely does, for no fucking reason.

I just hope they are seeing the protests and understanding that most of us do not want this orange monster. He's a beast, and we want him out, we just have a bunch of fucking dickless politicians who can't do shit. Or won't do shit. Fucking. Embarrassing.

Anyway, that's pretty much the state of my mind. Occupied.

Germboy, out/Peace... And resist.

Complete clusterfuck

Trump continues to ignore the outrage of the people, and the people get more and more angry as he goes full steam ahead with careless, insane, and borderline sociopathic policies. This is terrifying, and I am losing sleep over it.

I spent hours playing Stardew Valley last night. It's a quaint little game that is very addictive, and for a few hours, I felt okay. I felt numb. It was like drinking in that respect, the nagging little ache of a beast running the government was gone. But then, I went to bed, and I had to think about it again. Think about how many people are going to die. How many protests will eventually escalate into riots, putting police into a situation where they are going to have to do things they really don't want to do, to protect a man who does not have their best interests at heart.

I can't project what will happen. I do know that unless he is removed from office soon, things will get ugly. I can't project beyond that. I'm generally pretty good at projecting- I take pieces of information and come up with the most likely outcome, but this, this is completely beyond me. It's aberrant. Logic, creativity, even imagination fails to predict what is the most likely outcome here, as it's just... Insanity.

I try to see a silver lining, and that is that the American public is awake. Obama put them to sleep. Everything was fine, and it was like falling asleep on the bus. You can trust that your bus driver is going to get you along just fine. You might have minor petty issues with the asshole sitting next to you snoring or being obnoxious on their phone, but overall, you know things are going to be okay. But then, a new bus driver gets on, visibly intoxicated, texting, and snorting cocaine off the steering wheel. He's there because he literally bought the bus company, and despite having never driven a bus, claims he's an expert bus driver. The former bus driver was a bus driving instructor with years of experience who knew the city like the back of his hand, and helped even edit some of the bus routes. This new bus driver informs you he's going to only stop at two stops in affluent neighborhoods, completely skip all the other stops, and kick anyone who isn't white off the bus.

That's just what this feels like. And I can't even. I can't even believe there's people who think he's sane, or doing the right thing anymore. I mean, people aside from neo nazis. Hell, the alt right isn't neo nazis- they can hold their own in a fight. These little pukes are whiny shits from the internet who have never been in a fight in their life. Which is good, because they need to be beat down by real American heroes. I love that punching nazis is now a meme, and that little shit is spiraling out of control after being socked once- it wasn't even a real hard punch. Whiny little shit. But hey, now he knows everyone's laughing at him, and he's become the laughing stock of the internet. I just get frustrated about the in essence retaliation, of an alt righter who shot a protester and walked free. He needs to be in jail, and see how well he fares there.

Anyway, this country is a fucking mess, and it's really fucking up my calm. I'm trying to be supportive of all my friends who are dealing with depression, but it's pretty hard when you're in the same boat.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Christmas slowness

Work always slows to a snail's pace during the Christmas season, so I've been bored. But that's fine, gives me a lot of time to decompress and think about things- where my career's going, where the world is going, etc.

The president elect has me concerned about the country. If Clinton had won, I'd know that the country was on a fairly stable path, and I'd be willing to take more risks, like quitting my job and taking a part time or less paying job so I can have just a more relaxing life, and focus on writing or some sort of neat side project, maybe traveling more. Living a more European life. Plus, with healthcare moving in a kinder direction, I'd have that off my mind. But instead, it's gone fascist and fast.

So I'm sort of faced with this lean mentality, where I have to anticipate bad things happening, the economy going to shit, and everything falling apart. I just bought a fucking house, so that's something I want to make sure I keep, but there's also other aspects. My city, my home town, was just beginning to boom, and now that's threatened. It was really expanding and gentrifying, but I don't want to see all these new hotels and new building projects go to shit for no reason save that one beast is operating a country to further his business.

I'm still aghast at people who voted for him, but I think a lot of them are realizing how badly the fucked up. How absolutely badly they fucked this up. This is the worst thing that could have happened. Anyone else would have at least been... reasonable. Except for Carson, or Palin. But there were some actual politicians who have the ability to run the country, keep WW3 from happening, and keep the economy from tanking.

Meanwhile, the amount of hate this country is facing is just insane. Every day I stare more and more into the void and see this circle jerk of lies and bullshit feeding racists- empowering them to do awful things. It's like I'm being made to stare into the evil timeline, but it's reality. It drives me to want to drink, and that I think is the one industry that will not suffer in this time- alcohol always does great in totalitarian society, as it numbs the mind. But I'm trying to be sober, to have both eyes open, so that I can stand up and speak out against this bullshit. So that, when I'm older, I can say I stood against the new Nazi movement, I wasn't a coward. I'm afraid, but I won't shut up. I'll keep speaking out against this blatant racism and fascism, because I believe America is better than this.

What else... Not much. Christmas is coming soon. No real plans, ironically the parties I'm looking forward to are before and after Christmas. Christmas itself will probably just be a low key hang out at my parents, watching a movie and chilling.

I've also been really sick lately, and Anique has it too. It's this nasty fucking hacking cough, which is dry and painful, and really just the worst. I've lost the ability to exercise as much as I'd like, so I don't even want to think about stepping on a scale. That being said, I think I'll try to jog a few miles today- something low key to at least get some cardio in. Still, I've been low key sick for the past few weeks, as I got a cold Anique had, then got this, so it's just been a cavalcade of illness that just sucks all kinds of ass. But I guess that's also a feature of the Winter seasons, illness. I think I'm out of the contagious phase, but it still sucks.

I do think a lot about being sick, though- the immune system is doing it's job and obviously working hard. I wonder what other body systems it affects. Neurally, I know there's definitely an impact, as my mind just doesn't want to work nearly as hard. I'm also getting my ass handed to me by SAD, so I'm tired as fuck all the time. I have the luxury of working from home, and when I can wake up, clear my priority items from my inbox, then cuddle with the cat while waiting for more to come, I find drifting off becomes a very quick option- a warm bed, a warm cat, sleep. Of course, that's needed as I keep on waking up in the middle of the night to cough. Also heard a possible gunshot last night, although looking at the neighborhood watch groups, I suspect it was actually a car getting broken into. Maybe using the battery trick, I don't know what it sounds like but I assume like a gunshot.

Anyway, I'd better go do other things.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Ice ice baby.

There's a snowpocalypse coming, and I'm hoping it overs quickly, as I've got plans this weekend. 2-4 inches coming down tonight, but I have a meeting at 9, then a drive to Bellevue at 5, then a weekend of multiple parties, lots of fun, and hanging with friends I see maybe a handful of times a year. Dear, good friends who I love dearly, but only communicate via social media, save for the few times we meet and drunkenly acknowledge our love fore ach other. Alas how distance makes communication difficult.

Been thinking about friendship and time, and how that tends to work against itself. Spacetime works against love- I don't see my friends often because I do not have time, nor am I close. But I guess that's part of growing up. My levels of busyness are increasing exponentially to a point where my friends, if they should ever get ahold of me, want to do whatever will please me. Which I appreciate, but it does make me feel a bit weird.

That being said, I also make it clear that I don't have a lot of bandwidth, and will not do something that isn't interesting to me. So it's sort of a mixed message. If something is going to bore the shit out of me, I have no interest in doing it, as I'd rather then just focus on something else, or veg at home and relax, slowly gaining MP.

Rest has always fascinated me. Not sleep, but restfulness. Relaxation. Sometimes I think I get too much of it, other times not enough. On paper, I'm really busy, but my day job has been super slow. That being said, there's been a lot of latent anxiety for no reason, and it's rendering me less competent than I should be, given the insomnia, drinking, stress eating, etc. that comes with. I think the most recent bout is simply SAD, the darkness of winter given reign over my mind and behavior, to the point of me craving contact with my friends and parties. Which is why I'm hoping the weather clears up by Friday, as I really do want to see my friends.

Been trying to not sleep in as much. Working from home grants me the ability to doze as I see fit- I work out of bed, clear my inbox and the immediate tasks that require my attention, putting off later duties until I've had some caffeine, and then the cat curls up to me and I drift off. Only problem is, I find it very easy to go back to sleep when I'm in a warm bed with a loving cat, but very hard to fall asleep when I'm staring at the ceiling, trying to get myself to fall asleep so I can work in the morning. I would say I have a lot of lethargy, but it's all driven by poor sleep habits, fueled by the schedule my body automatically assumes given it can- a 3am to noon slog, which was what I was able to do as a social worker. I'd stay up playing Second Life till 3am, then crash hard, my mind and body exhausted. I'd often take my run at 9 or 10 pm. I miss that, and my body misses that. I now have been doing treadmill stuff, not running but taking very long inclined walks that accompany a movie, guaranteeing at least 1200 kcals burned. I'm not seeing much in the way of results at this time, but I don't expect it to go quickly.

I just hate how long this week has been taking. Time has been so incredibly slow while I wait, and yet I know once the weekend hits, it will fly by like a dream.

So. Frustrating.

Anyway, whatever. Life goes on. I need to focus more on the gym, having a better diet (which I'm starting to request homecooked meals more, so that's a start), and thinking positive thoughts. It's just kind of hard, given the shit year 2016 has been.

Anyway, that's about it.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Tick tock

Thanksgiving happened. For one day, I was able to stop thinking, relax, and just have a nice day. Nice to shut off the news feed and just enjoy some time with my family. I went for a jog with my friend Chris- well, not so much a jog, but an incline walk on the treadmill while watching a movie with him. (Airplane.) Funny, non Trump related. Every movie I've been watching while doing my regular exercises has been somehow related to the rise of our fascist and the end of America/end of the world, so I've been watching Back to the Future 2, Running Man, Fury Road, Idiocracy, Fight Club, etc. Next up, if I can get it to work, is Robocop, or possibly Brazil.

Watching these movies is my way of coping. Also, burning at least 1200 kCal in an hour and a half definitely has it's benefits- my running speed has really improved, and I'm finding it really easy just to run effortlessly on flat terrain, where I was having trouble earlier. My weight isn't changing, but people have been telling me I've been slimming down. I can't tell- I still eat a lot and drink more than I should on weekends, but I think this might be mitigating it.

I think there's been a gradual change- I've felt a sense of purpose rise in me. I want to live, I want to succeed, be there for people who need it. The coming years will not destroy America because of people like me. We will work together, and all have a place. The place I have discovered is that of the counselor. A lot of people are going to be poor and need mental health help. I will be there.

I've been reading about the gutting of Medicare, ACA, etc., and all the Trump supporters who are aghast at that- they were all for getting rid of Obamacare, not taking the two seconds to look into it and realize it was the same program that they loved, the same one that made medical insurance a lot easier to get. Now when they're finding out they're losing it, they're pissed, and hopefully realizing they wrought this mess. I'm looking forward to all the straight up pissed off senior citizens who lose their health insurance raising all kinds of hell. I'm looking to the elderly, the greatest generation, cannibalizing this lying sack of shit. Hell, I'm looking forward to watching him flail about as impeachment happens, the gradual truth that a talk show host can't be president.

But then what happens? Pence? The guy's a beast as well. And it's not a good time for anyone who isn't a straight white guy. As someone who fits fairly well in that category, I feel like I'll do fine, but as someone who is also a progressive Christian who loves thy neighbor, this bugs the shit out of me.

So I'm making myself better. I have a new force in my life, a new goal, a new need to be a better person. A need to fix the world.

After Trump won, I drank for four days, sobering up for work, but once it was done, hitting the bar. I couldn't handle it. But once I sobered up, I started working. I started fighting.

I've got a Kung Fu training scheduled today. Feeling kind of sick so I think I'll cancel it, I don't want to get my teacher sick as well, even though he's an old friend and doing all this in exchange for me taking him out for beers or food, as he's currently in trade school and is kind of broke, so going out to a restaurant is a rarity for him. I might go, I might stick around home. Recently picked up Watch Dogs 2, and I've been really enjoying it. It's a really fun game, and while I tend to hate open world games, I like this one. The respect it gives to hacker culture is really cool.

Anyway, I don't know if I have much to share beyond this. I still have a few articles queued up from today, plus I'm still at work (just taking a short break after I cleared my inbox so some work could queue up that I could blast through- I tend to work best in highly energized spurts, taking the time to do other things inbetween to break it up and distract my mind.) In any case, I should get back to work. Then grab some egg rolls.

There's a Donut place down the street that does Egg rolls, and I love going there. It's nice enough just getting a quick walk in the morning, stretch your legs, get the blood pumping, but their egg rolls are really good. Spring rolls, actually- I think. Egg rolls have that eggy batter around them, these are just fried with veggies, no meat. Still really good.

Anyway, other things to rant about? Uh. Uh. Uh.

Oh, I booted up my old iMac and played some of the games from my childhood again. Remarkable how difficult they are. But I guess that's how it is, when you only have so much space to build a story, you pad up the difficulty. Also, they're incredibly unpolished, but there's a certain beauty to that, you can see early game dev at it's ugliest. But there's a sincerity about it, you can definitely tell that this was built by someone in their basement. And I think that's why I dig indie dev so much, you can definitely feel the authenticity.

Game I was playing was Exile. I enjoy making a new party, wandering around the demo (I never got around to unlocking the full game), and killing monsters, often times being slaughtered by a high level band. What I never realized until a later long term play through is that there are a lot of dungeons you are expected to go through to level you up, so while those high level bands of monsters will still be a challenge, you'll have enough high level items and experience to hold your own. At least that's the idea.

I guess I just liked exploring the world outside of that, wanting to feel like my party made it to the farthest city, and was able to settle down there. It was a story within my story, my characters finding a place in the world. And Exile's got a great world, you've got a despotic leader who throws political criminals and misfits through a one way portal into a harsh subterranean world, a good way to get rid of people without feeling too bad about them, as there's a chance that they can survive. And well enough, the people of Exile have eked out a slight existence farming mushrooms and building forts while holding them against bands of monsters and bandits. Good world building, lots of imagination to be fed, especially for 12 year old me. So there's definitely nostalgia glasses there, as well as the intuition about the game. I know how to play it very well, and it is very easy for me to play. A low effort trip down memory lane, to being a kid, not having problems I could control- the problems I had back then were things out of my control, and they sucked, but this was a nice outlet. I wonder how I'll view things from my 30s in 15 years. Who knows.

I guess it's probably like missing pets. I like my cat. I'll miss him when he's gone. He's such a sweet, loving animal, and our relationship is really good. Cats are really good.

Anyway, I gotta look at work now.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Permission to seethe

The shock is wearing off, but the country has become a cavalcade of atrocities, each one more worrying than the last. Our president elect, a madman on a power trip, has emboldened the fascist right, and hate crimes are spiking like it's 9/11, except nothing has happened, it's just hate for no reason.

The Trump voters are very quiet in this time, as they realize what they've done. They've elected someone who has given legitimacy to the ugliest parts of America, and they're now rising. The greatest generation, the ones that fought and defeated Hitler, those that are left are now watching as people do the Nazi salute on national TV, saying "Heil Trump."

I don't know what to do anymore. There's the obvious things, like calling your representative (Mine's in a hard blue state, so really not much help there), take martial arts courses in case I need to come to someone's aid, and be as much of an ally as possible while raising the alarm regularly on social media. Keep on screaming that THIS IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT AMERICA. THIS IS A BAD THING. All while wondering when I'll be placed on a watch list for social media activity, if I'm not already on there.

There's talks of internment camps, of a committee of unAmerican Activities, and all manner of other awful things, while in the mean time, all of the promises Trump made are being ignored- no wall, no jail for Hillary, and Obamacare isn't going to be shut down. It's like he was just making empty promises, and the idiots who listened to him ate it up like the morons they are. It's like he's a TV personality, not an actual politician with any experience.

So I guess in the mean time, I've been distracting myself as much as I can in an attempt for self care. On weekends I drink heavily, although I'm trying to cut that out, or at least limit it for my own health. I've been watching a lot of really good animation lately. I've been watching the local political games like a hawk, as the municipal internet issue I've been monitoring and fighting for is still going on, frustratingly enough, as some whiny special interest groups continue to push against it. Life continues, it evolves, it slowly changes over time. In the dead of winter, it's hard to find things to do, but I find them. Videogames help the most, as when it gets dark around 4, there's really not much to do, and with an energy level that's practically nonexistent, there's no real point in anything. Hooray SAD.

Frustrating thing about the energy levels, though, is the flip side is insomnia. Every now and then, the lethargy will break, and I will be fucking wired as fuck. Totally awake. And usually this is once I get into bed. I'll be fighting off the urge to nap all day, but once I get into bed, sleep eludes me, I can't get comfortable, everything itches, I can't turn off my brain. But, hey, if it's 3pm, a nap on my office floor sounds great.

I guess I need to follow my goals better. I've been wanting to lose weight, but that's not going nearly as quickly as I'd like, given that I don't have the same level of time to work out, and my job is largely sedentary. I run at least 3 miles a day, but that just keeps me where I'm at, it doesn't burn anything. I'm trying to eat healthier, but I usually cheat on weekends and eat and drink too much, which fucks that up. I think I need a life/health coach, as I want to get a lot thinner. Soon.

In any case, I don't really have much else to say. America kind of sucks right now, as we have a crazy fascist coming into office who has a pretty good chance of being impeached immediately as the list of impeachable offenses keeps on growing. However, his VP is a bigoted monster, so that's not much better. I just don't get how we got here. I mean, I do, but it just doesn't seem real. It was a protest vote for a fascist, while the left's populist was dismantled by the internal system for inparty benefits.

Whatever. I get angry every time I think about it, so I think I'm not going to think about it for a while. Maybe. Until I get into bed, then I'll be unable to sleep, and ponder it nonstop. Hooray what this election cycle is doing to my mental health.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Been writing a lot.

Feels good. Nothing to write about on this front because it's all going elsewhere. Will try to find something to write about, personally, later, but thus far it's all focused on various concepts for the gaming blog. Feels good to have the mind juices flowing nicely.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Uh, other things.

So I've been trying to write at least one journal entry a week. Most of them private, but they help me track things.

But instead I've written two entries for a blog I'm thinking of starting on presentation of mental health issues in videogames. So I feel like I'm getting my writing quota in.

It's kind of funny, since I've started writing at least once a week, it's become easier to do this. It's a good thing, as writing is something that's kept me anchored. I think I started having problems when I lost the ability to give words existence, give thoughts a physical anchor. Or digital. Whatever.

Anyway, given the writing that I've done already, I don't want to spend too much energy here, as I might be writing another thing today. If I have time. Which I probably won't. Anyway, that's all.

Germboy, out/Peace.