Germboy has returned

A lot has been happening since I last posted, but it's all in the same vein.

I'm a few weeks away from having my Master's degree. It's focused in instructional design and e-learning, which is the field I want to get into, specifically, educational technology and hybrid instruction design. If I could get a job doing both, I'd be happy. I found one, but I didn't get it.

Still working for CCS. I have an interview for a tech support job in Bellevue Monday, hopefully I'll get it. CCS is a decent job, but it doesn't pay enough, the hours aren't reliable, and the emotional stress is brutal at times.

Looking at apartments in Redmond. The situation in a month or so should be something along the lines of this:

-I have an IT job (I want to get more background in IT before focusing on educational technology, as most of the best educational technologists I've talked to have a very strong IT background.)
-I have my degree (yay!)
-I am living in Redmond with Anique and Mark, and possibly Jess
-I am making decent money, and happier with where my life is.

My thesis has been going very well. I've been chosen as a student exemplar (My thesis is best in show), and was nominated to speak at the hooding ceremony for MEd students. I don't know if I'll actually get a chance to do that, but it would be a tremendous honor. I also have been doing some work on the side doing instructional design work at UW Tacoma for their computer based training. It's a lot of fun, and a possible area I may end up getting into.

Anyway, that's pretty much what's been going on. I'm ready to move on with my life, and if this interview tomorrow goes well, I'll have taken my first step.

Germboy, out/Peace.
PS- I have an ed tech blog now.

Most of my other social networking stuff is being used for education blogs and my thesis, so here's a few concepts in my head.

While playing Minecraft, I noticed that every now and then I would fit into a certain archetype that I began assigning names to: The cartographer (exploring and filling out maps), the architect (Building massive structures), the nether diver (Going into the nether with the sole purpose of obtaining brightstone), and the engineer/scientist (testing the limits of the game's engine, etc.) It occurred that it would be awesome to make a bunch of character sketches of these, and other archetypes, based on the typical inventory and characteristics of the behavior (rail worker, night ranger, farmer, mine foreman, Nether cultist (Start moving the Nether to the real world), redstone programmer, knight, etc). For example, the nether divers would be a pair of pale, gaunt, burn scarred men with burnt leather cloaks and bows, carrying glowstone in large burlap bags. When I went nether diving, I wore leather armor usually, carried a bow, generally had low HP, and brought back tons of glowstone. The cartographer would be an overburdened monk like character with tons of maps, and any amount of extra supplies needed to survive a long journey, such as a bed(roll), building supplies, torches, etc. As for the architect and scientist, I haven't given too much thought, but I could probably come up with something after a while.

Then there's my STALKER reimaginings.

So, when you begin STALKER, you are cast as a nobody with amnesia who wants to kill a guy named Strelok. You are set out in a nuclear wasteland with a bunch of other newbies drawn to the fabled riches deep within the zone of alienation, anomalies that have the power to defy science. Sadly, you are just some dude with a crappy pistol, and there are a bunch of pros out there who are better at artifact hunting than you.

I really liked the character design starting out, despite it being rather repetitive- I would have greatly appreciated a bit of variety. The novices are dressed in white hoodies with jeans, showing that they are very ill prepared for what lies inside. The only benefit of their jackets is weather protection, but nothing beyond that. The other faction in the beginning area is the bandits, thugs who wear trench coats, leather jackets, and ski masks. I liked their design as well, as it reminded me of what I might expect from Russian criminal types who had ended up in a bleak wasteland- not impressive, but functional. That part of the game's visual design I was fine with.

Later in the game, you meet up with various other factions, and the designs simply fall apart at that point. I will go into each faction as follows, starting with the ones that don't bother me too much.

Newbie Stalkers- Again, they are fine, I just would have liked to see a bit more variety. These are people who have just managed to get into the zone, and I would imagine them looking like people who were planning on a fun camping trip and got lost in Chernobyl. They look like that already, but a bit more variety would have been nice.

Bandits- Also okay with them, but they need more variety. The same leather jacket, track pants, ski mask combo gets tiring after a while. There are many ways to say, "Hey, I'm a criminal thug," and I wish they could have employed a few more, possibly sticking with ski masks as a motif to mark them as thugs.

Scientists- I am actually okay with them. They are clean suit wearing eggheads who tend to depend on others to get them anywhere. Their generic suit is an orange cleansuit that marks them as an easy sniping target, which seems to be their fate most of the time.

Military- No issue. They all wear the same military issue uniform. Makes perfect sense.

Zombie stalkers- Also okay with them, as they pull from all factions and just apply a creepy face. They aren't actual zombies, but people whose minds have been completely fried by a psychic device deep within the zone. There's some really disturbing conversational bits you can pick up about a guy who was 'rescued' by his friends who had been brain scorched (that is literally what the psychic device is called, the brain scorcher) and goes psycho.

Mercenaries- They wear standard issue military equipment that doesn't stick out too much. If anything, I would have liked to see a bit more variety in their outfits, reflecting that they are a group of hired hitmen, and while they are happy with standard issue armor, they might decide to customize it a bit. However, I am fine with them.

Ones I have issue with:

Freedom: Freedom is this anarchist faction that feels the zone should be left to its own devices, and other bits of craziness. They aren't bad people, they just seem to me like the sort of people you might find living off the grid in the wilderness. Their dress does not seem to reflect this at all. My vision of them is a cross between lumberjacks and hippies, burly men with beards and a deeply philosophical air about them. I'm not saying they need tie dye, but their rather dull military suits seemed rather ill fitting for such an anarchist movement. I would think they'd be wearing something more patchwork and rough, taking pieces of armor from various suits, and also incorporating some sort of badass artistry into it so that you know it's handmade, as if each Freedom member is responsible for creating and individualizing their own armor.

Duty: Duty is a group of nutjobs that believe the zone should be controlled at all costs. They wear black and red, looking more like Sith than a wasteland fascism. And while I think their costumes do look cool, I don't think they could have done a bit better. For a group that has survived in the middle of the zone for a long time and managed to bring some order to it, I would expect a degree of conformity, perhaps reflected in its color scheme, but a bit more traditional military garb, mixed and matched, all designated with spraypainted telltale red and black.

Monolith: There is a group of psychotics guarding the central part of the zone, and they all seem to wear various versions of advanced armor. While I was completely fine with this, there was a generic garb for their low ranking members to wear, which completely put me off- there is no reason for people who have been drawn to the middle of the zone and brainwashed by whatever is in there to look the same. It would have made more sense if they just wore armor from other factions, or perhaps had a loosely thrown together 'monolith' garb, which consisted of damaged armor that they had scavenged from corpses. Hell, add a bit of creepiness in there and throw in some sort of logo, facial scarification, totems, or something that shows off that, hey, these people are not really themselves anymore.

In any case, these are just some of my thoughts on how they could have improved some of the character designs. STALKER is still a very Russian game, so as an American, giving my thoughts about it makes me feel like I am trying to impose my view on it, but these are just things that bothered me, and seemed like they could have been done better. (And to be honest, there was a lot about STALKER that could have been done better, but I still greatly enjoyed it, and replay it from time to time.)

Anyway, that's it.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Time for the weekly update, or whatever. I don't know if I should start updating this weekly, or what, but I get a distinct feeling that I would greatly benefit from just getting into the habit of writing, even if I have nothing in particular to write about.

The other night, Mark showed me some MLP music videos he's been doing. Why a 23 year old computer programmer is making music videos of a children's cartoon about ponies is somewhat beyond me, although I do understand that there is a huge fandom of computer people for the show. And having seen a few episodes, I guess I can understand why- the people who made powerpuff girls made it, and it's got the same silly charm. Anyway, his work was incredible. He seriously has an understanding of the structure of music videos and coordinating scenes to music. It made me feel fairly little, as lately, my creative efforts have been minimal. While I have been in grad school, I still feel rather small, not working on anything creative on the side. Thus, I've been realizing that perhaps I should continue writing in an attempt to keep that area of my brain still active.

Despite all this, typing is rather painful at the moment, Tully, my roommate's cat, scratched my palm and every time my left hand grazes the alt button, I am interrupted by a slight burst of pain. Fun.

Anyway, my life is at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. Earlier this summer, I was devoted to going straight into graduate school and going for my PhD. I am since reconsidering doing that so quickly, as I am still endowed with student loans, and would prefer to get rid of those before I take on a venture that may cost a significant chunk. So, I by some divine mistake I chanced upon an advert in the newspaper for CCS. Realizing that this was a care coordinator position, which is the CCS equivalent of case manager, I jumped on it, rather surprised that there hadn't been an internal announcement. So, as best as I know, I'm the only internal applicant. This is a major benefit, as while I may lack certain things, such as a full masters in psychology, I have four years of experience within the agency, and am well known for my successful work with clients. So, I applied, and got an interview.

The day of the interview was very awkward to start. I was late to class, I couldn't find my briefcase, and I was grumpy and tired the whole time. Some other things happened to make me feel generally off, but when I got to the office for the interview, things turned around. I rocked it, and was just all around mr. confident. They mentioned a second interview that I might hear about next week, which in my mind is a good thing.

Many of the supervisors and other care coordinators know I applied for the position, and they're all hoping I get it, one even offering her prayers for me. Another flat out said I'm a shoe in, so this is looking promising.

What this job will mean is my life will be radically changed. Being a case manager is one of those lifestyle jobs, where you are on call 24/7. I'm actually okay with that, as I have kind of considered myself that way for a while, working weird hours for CCS, overnight shifts, weekends, etc, and never complaining too much. Plus, with ~40k a year, I'll be able to afford actually nice stuff.

And really, what this ultimately means is I'll get some really good psych experience, and have a chance to actually do the stuff I've been wanting to do for a while. One of the reasons I get so frustrated with my current position is I have absolutely no say, and often feel like a glorified babysitter. I am not entrusted with high level psychological evaluation, plan development, or crisis management- just deescalation. I've been wanting a bigger hand in that for a while, and this may be my opportunity.

Plus, I get my own office (which I have to share, but that's standard in our office.)

Also, I most weekends off- people rotate being on call during the weekends, and to be honest, I haven't had a weekend off in a LONG time, only during cons.

So, that's where I stand. If I get the job, it will be like any other full time job, a huge part of my life. But I'll learn to deal with it and work hard and play hard, and hopefully do really well. Plus, I've been in this agency for four years, I have a fairly good idea of what we deal with, and what makes a good care coordinator, so I'm fairly confident that I can do this.

Anyway, that's about it.

Also, I hope to start writing stories soon. I've got this idea about this house out in the middle of nowhere that collects weirdos- people that have strange, rather useless abilities. An example is a man that, randomly, will create a clone of himself. The clone immediately does something self destructive, but shows signs of creativity, intelligence, and sentience as they go to a bar, get shitfaced, and drive a car into a tree- they rarely live beyond 48 hours, and never longer than a week. The original person is optimistic and pleasant, and seems to be kept that way by budding off his negative thoughts into these strange suicidally impulsive clones. Just have characters like that, and do SOMETHING with them. Idunno, it's an idea to work with. Also been thinking about writing slam poetry, but that's something for later.

Also, been running. Slowly getting in good shape. Loving it.

Anyway, that's about it for real this time. My left palm hurts, stupid cat...

Germboy, out/Peace.

I used to write here so often, and that's changed recently. Well, the definitions of recency are variable, but I feel that I've lost something very big within myself. I used to attend to blogs so obsessively, writing consuming such a large quantity of my time that I would often find myself spending an hour a day working on word vomit. Now, I have such time, but I've been avoiding it, perhaps through lack of reinforcement. Non-reinforced behaviors are abandoned, forgotten. The neural pathways degenerate, and even as I write this here, I am feeling like I am traveling on foreign ground, like a wanderer who comes across an old garden he had kept as a child, now overwhelmed with weeds and difficult to navigate.

Still, as I write, the pathways light up again, and I feel the old cravings of writing return, the urge to pour out everything that is going on in my life. It's a good feeling. I also wonder if perhaps my skill is improving as I have continued to grow as an individual, although my writing habit has lessened, so that is probably debatable. Despite this, I have been writing at a graduate school level, which is no doubt of some benefit to the process.

So, here I am, having just finished a section in my textbook on writing and cognition during writing. While reading this, I suddenly became melancholic for the death of my writer self, having been lost in the labyrinth of adulthood and responsibilities. I miss it, and often think to myself, "That's a clever idea, I should turn it into a short story." What the hell happened that I forgot I could do that? Probably just the realization that I am a shitty writer in relation to those writers I idolize, but then again, they were probably shit when they started out.

So, anyway, enough of this memorial to a behavior that I'm currently resurrecting (hopefully engaging in more often, too), I should discuss how things have gone for me recently.

I'm not going to be a teacher.

So, last year, I was accepted into a teaching program. It was focused on secondary science, and I was confident that I would be a great science teacher. The program itself was fun, and the head professor became a significant role model for me. He was a funny looking man, very quintessential Jewish professor, bearing a fanny pack and hiking t-shirts to every class period. Still, he was a skilled lecturer, and I enjoyed every one of his classes immensely, and would often seek him out during office hours to talk about theory and the like. The other classes were of mixed usefulness, some very good, others a complete waste of my student loan money. In any case, things were going well until I took over in the classroom, doing student teaching.

I had been placed in a middle school in the boonies, teaching 8th grade science. My cooperating teacher was a highly talented teacher that used a lot of learning theory in her work to really promote student understanding at a conceptual and real concrete level. I took over, and she left the classroom. That was when students began to cause discipline issues.

I don't know how things got so bad. I place it at a certain week, where I got really sick and was just a crappy teacher. But at some point, I didn't pursue discipline well enough (I honestly wasn't aware of the discipline policy until it was too later), and they made a laughing stock of me. Nobody took me seriously, and the classroom respect was lost. I lost all self esteem, and eventually things got so bad that I was removed from student teaching. I honestly wanted to die after that, it was such a massive blow, and it took me a long time to recover.

On top of that, my grandfather recently passed away. That's the third grandparent this year. Also, the family dog, who I've had since I've been 12, was put down. So, yeah. This year has been really fucking shitty, and that's putting it nicely.

Things have improved a bit recently. I'm seeking a promotion at my current job, and finishing my masters degree. I go running to a running/drinking group on Thursdays with my friend Chris, and that has done wonders for keeping me sane. I've been playing a lot of Terraria, which is downright escapism, but I feel like I need it.

So, in retrospect, my life has been pretty crappy lately. I'm taking it day by day, hoping something good happens, but as it stands, I'm broke, in debt, without a future career path that I was hoping for, and I've been hammered by family deaths.

This does remind me of what happened two years ago, though, when I lost my job at Optic Fusion, and honestly, I'm taking this all better than that. I think dealing with massive depression, you just get better at dealing with it. Scar tissue and all.

But hey. I have a job. I have a girlfriend who is stable. I have a nice home. I have good friends. I get to enjoy good beer. I might be getting a promotion soon. I have a good gaming PC. I shouldn't complain, because in the big picture, things are pretty good. And to be honest, that's how I've been lately- Decent. Stuff has sucked, but you move on.

A path I'm considering is a PhD in Educational Psychology (or perhaps another psych field). But that's a long ways away, although the more I think about it, the more it seems right for me. I need to get back to one of my duties of doing research on local PhD programs, but I also want to see if I get the promotion first. If I do get the promotion, then it would be prudent to apply for a PhD program with that on the resume, as it's a promotion to a case manager position, where I would be doing a lot more mental-healthy stuff, and actually coordinating cases. Much more up my alley.

In any case, I think I've talked enough. I have a 5 more pages of that 60 page chapter to read, and then a short paper to write that's due tomorrow. Then Terraria for 6 hours. Not even joking.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Started a teaching blog. Well, more like Science Teaching Ed blog. A lot of people keep on asking me about what it takes to get into a teaching program, what it's like, etc. so I figured I'd just start a blog to talk about the whole thing. Plus, it's helping me make sense of this whole thing.

http://science-peter.blogspot.com/

Enjoy. Or not. It just helps to get stuff out.

Germboy, out/Peace.

Passed my math exam. I get to teach this now. W00t.

Goin for a run now.

Germboy, out/Peace.

So, I have another WEST-E tomorrow. The WEST-E is the exam that teachers in Washington state have to take to become 'highly qualified' and get endorsed in a subject. I currently have my WEST-E in science, which allows me to teach any level of science, grades 6-12, and the test I am planning on taking is for math, grades 6-8, or mid level math. It is apparently pretty hard, according to some of my friends that have taken it, although they all seem to be under the consensus that I will pass. They have told me it covers everything from basic math to calculus, and frankly, that's a little frightening.

I have been studying for this for the past few weeks, becoming a recluse as I cram for as many as 6 hours a day, taking notes, sitting with a college algebra book or at my computer, watching youtube tutorials, khanacademy, and working out problems in the book. I took the practice test again and passed it with flying colors, although I knew most of the problems by memory. Even so, I understood the processes that were going on, and feel fairly confident, although there are a million nagging doubts about the test, incessant 'what if's borne of anxiety and self doubt.

Still, I have worked hard. And if I do not pass, which, given the amount I have studied, would be the result of me overlooking a large amount of mistakes or simply panicking, or perhaps the subject matter not correlating well with the areas I have crammed, I will try again.

In my self study of math, I have found a real passion for the subject, and find myself longing to teach it. Science has a beauty to it, but math is entirely pure, it is wholly based on reason, and there is something to be said about its mysteries and perfection. While cramming, I have fallen in love with it, understanding connections and deeper meanings I had never noticed before.

If I pass this test, there is a good chance I will end up teaching math, which I find the idea of very interesting. Furthermore, it increases my chances of getting hired quite a bit. But in the long run, I feel that by being able to teach math, and doing so, if I am able to find ways to make it accessible and meaningful for students, I can help them get a lasting understanding of the subject.

In any case, my mind is full. Cognitive load has set in, despite stimulants a-plenty. I must go do something mindless for a while, probably involving youtube or something. I have been cramming since noon-ish, it's time for my mind to rest.

Germboy, out/Peace.

By looking at religion, you're seeing God's press releases. By studying math, you're seeing what he's really up to.

Mathboy, out/Peace.

Yesterday, I ran into an old customer I knew from my days at Metropolitan Market. We talked for a while about Feynmann, as we are both knew each other as astronomy/physics nerds, then the discussion went to the spirituality of math.

It was a good discussion. Sometimes, it's good to just take a step back and look at how math interacts with the world and nature- not just how we mess with it, but how it shows up randomly, and how patterns interact beautifully. It's pure, delicious, and beautiful.

I can't wait to teach it. Of course, by teaching it I imagine I'll be more or less forced to reduce it to bite sized lessons that are impossible to comprehend on a larger scale, but I'll try, when I have the opportunity, to show some of the amazing mathematical patterns found everywhere in nature.

Anyway, my fingernails are too long, and I need to trim them, as evidenced by the fact that my fingernails are hitting the keys from time to time, which is not an entirely pleasant sensation. Anyway, goodbye for now, blog/people who read my blog, if any.

Germboy, out/Peace.

I've been looking back on old blog entries and wondering to myself, just what the hell happened? I used to write like crazy, obsessively logging my every individual thought in some sort of mad introspective fury. My writing skill was quite good, and I rather enjoyed reading some of my old entries. I would write short stories weekly, and had a mad passion for the written word, an addiction to self exposition that could never be sated.

And now, what am I? I barely write, and when I do it's much shorter. I would blame facebook and twitter, and perhaps the emergence of stupid, short, 140 character expositions is killing my long winded creativity, but I think there may be more to it than that.

One part of it, most likely, is the loss of a certain confidence I once had, one that believed that I was a genius and all thoughts were original. I feel that confidence return after a few beers, but very often the humility that comes with experience silences my want to share my perceived insight with the world. Another factor is also a solid self awareness, which belays a strong need to constantly introspect. I know who I am, more or less. I'm dealing with a few identity issues, like most people in their mid 20s, but it's nowhere near what it was in my early 20s.

Time is also an issue, as good writing would often take a lot of time to get the mental stamina worked up. School has been eating up so much of my free time and energy that I simply just don't get the brainspace to put anything good down. Although if I blamed my lack of writing simply on growing up, twitter, and no free time I'd hardly be doing my history of 8 page blog entries justice, but at the same time, I think part of the growing up bit is realizing that sometimes, hey, if you analyze too much you'll run in circles. It's not wise to overanalyze, the trick is to analyze intelligently. Determine what is the simplest solution, and start there. Usually it's correct. Furthermore, assume that someone else has addressed it, and that original thoughts you may have are probably not as original as you had hoped.

The fault there is that I have lost a certain writer's swagger I once had. The biggest death there has been the loss of my writer's spirit, I no longer feel a need to spill my mind out into the world with short vignettes. Perhaps I will start writing them again, just for fun, if I can find time. I feel that those short stories, while rarely being original, good, or worthwhile, kept my head in the clouds, and in some way, connected me to my imaginative side. Not that I really need a reconnection, to be honest, but it's good to write this stuff down.

I'm just glad the internet exists. My senior year of high school to my senior year of college is documented. Often times I write down things I did, attitudes about people, and my personal growth as exhibited by revelations about the world. It's rather adorable, how I get so excited about some idea I just had, but looking back on it, I realize that it's not all that original. Still, it's good that I was thinking, and the gripping question that still mars my mind is, am I still thinking? Or am I just drinking?

Who have I become, within the context of my writing? As a person, I've grown. I've left livejournal, and become more or less an adult-ish person. But my writing has not reflected this in any meaningful way, as it's just dropped off. What I do write is papers, and soon I'll be writing tests and assignments. The idea of being unable to document my life disturbs me to some extent, as I feel that in some way, when I get uploaded at the end of my human existence, these writings will somehow act as anchors to my mind.

Still, most of my ramblings were childish ideas, critical analysis of things in my life that didn't need to be picked apart, and recountings of events. In some way, it seemed that there was some insecurity behind it, some low self confidence, some anxiety that kept me logging everything and analyzing it. But now, that's over. I don't need to analyze things. I know I'm right the first time. I look at things, and I get it. I think about things, and even though I don't write them down, they work their way around my mind.

Not as of late, though. Well, this blog entry suggests that active thinking is going on, but a huge fault of my life lately has been the disruption to my in depth retrospection necessary to sanity, or at least I thought it was. The primary disruption has been grad school, and while this does disrupt any personal introversion, it has been actually quite good, as it has opened new vistas of understanding the world, far beyond anything I could have foreseen previously. I've been learning things about developmental stages, learning, and the nature of science that I really didn't know. It's been a huge trip, but at the same time it's been moving so quickly I've barely had a chance to breath. Very often, I simply have a chance to toss in a few drinks to lubricate the insane speed, then push through more data that fills my mind to the brim, while praying some of it sticks. Not to say the program is bad, no, it's very good. It's just insanely intense.

In any case, who I am really hasn't changed too much. I read descriptions of myself by myself, and think about them a bit, and realize that I am more or less the same person, just with more self confidence, and a new focus. I don't want to be a healer, I don't want to be a desk drone, or a pathetic submissive little rat. I want to be a self confident badass who teaches science and/or math, and doesn't afraid of anything. I'm no longer a girlfriend-less dork, and I'm no longer a wussy little nerd. The boy became a man, and stopped writing about the problems that only existed in his mind.

I still miss that worldview, though. There was a sense of wonder there, and it's hard to see anymore. I guess I'm a little jaded, but that's what happens. Still, I need to start writing those little vignettes again, those were fun, and good practice. If I get time, I will.

Hell, that's what sparked this entry in the first place, I was looking for a certain entry in one of my blogs, one about a boy who loved to fly- a pole vaulter, in a fantasy world. Later in the story, a guard, and three mages, two astronomers and one psychic were introduced as potential quest-seekers. It had no real plot, but I liked the characters, and pouring through my entries made me wonder what the hell happened to make me stop writing. Well, now I think I know. After pointing it out in the first three paragraphs. Well, I guess overanalysis and loquaciousness will always be my thing.

Anyway, I feel that this has been a great entry for me, far overdue, though.

Germboy, out/Peace.